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I KNOW NOW!   
12:06am 18/01/2011
 
mood: bitchy
I know exactly why all my friends from before don't like me, I know why people who dated me turned me away....
1. I have no fucking car, and they're too tired of picking and hauling and pending their gas money on my ass...................!
2. I'm way tooooooooooooooooo intense!

Problem solved, so if you don't wanna be my friend, fine, I'll dump you right back and if you don't want me to be your girlfriend, that's fine by me too, because I have a wonderful and caring man that loves me 100% even when I'm a full time drama queen who gets way too frustrated easily and is the perfect father to our daughter, SO FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HATE ME AND LIE TO ME LATER IN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE U TOOOOOOOO!!!!
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
   
10:04pm 10/06/2010
  Gosh, its been a long time since I posted anything and I've been through a lot. I just recently became a mother, January 21st at 9:20pm to a beautiful baby girl, named Brenna Lynn Raftery, she's the sweetest thing and this time on the 21st she will be five months old. She's the reason I haven't been posting any stories on fanfiction.net, and the reason I have a new job as a bather at Petco :)  
     

A Scattered Dream

 
Blah, Blah   
06:43am 12/02/2009
 
mood: excited
I am now almost five month into my relationship, that's longer than I've been with any other guy. The amount of stress I've put this guy through and he's put up with is amazing. If I were him I would have given up months ago. So I am both amazed and happy that he's put up with me. He's a really great guy that does a lot of what I want: he takes me skating (roller) to mystic aquarium, dinner (even when we have our one-sided fights) he's even willing to go to Anime Boston with me and he's not even into Anime, knows about it, but not really his thing. He's in love with me and even before he started saying: I love you, you could just tell.

I can't tell him I love him, so many disappointments down the road that I feel like I'm all loved out, but I love being with him, I'm over his apartment more than I'm at home with my family even though I'm not too fond of his roommates (we've had bigger fights than he and I) Everyone thinks I secretly love him, but I don't really know what love is because it was always either one-sided or no one ever gave me the chance to really fall in love before they crushed my hopes.

 

He's excited to go to Anime Boston, it'll be his first convention ever... (convention virgin, lol) I'm happy he's excited. He won't dress up, but he can carry my stuff, lol. I'll run into Chris from work, maybe, but unfortunately I may also run into my ex- which is what will make it great about Ryan coming along, I won't have those feelings of hurt, I can brush him off because I'm with a guy who cares about me, who makes me smile and weak, (especially since I made him get that fedora, so hot, lol) and wants nothing but to see me happy.

I've decided to go as Gunner Yuna and this time I'll have props, yay!

 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
Sick Cycle Carousel   
10:41pm 21/12/2008
 
mood: infuriated
Sick Cycle Carousel was concieved back in January 2007 on the 27th day. Which is to say, that soon, it will soon be a year old. I would like to celebrate the story on its success seeing as today I have recieved another review for the story, making it its 327 review. Which is nothing compared to Marionette seeing as it isn't as old and still recieves its own reviews to this date as well, but was updated during '08 where as Sick Cycle Carousel ended three months after its first chapter.

Being an impulse story has left me quite astonished as well as irrated to see that it still recieves its daily dose of readers and ocassional reviwers. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased and thankful that people read and enjoy my stories, (most of them anyhow, seeing as I manage to piss off a few people every now and then) and especially to those thougtful and kind enough to leave a review stating what my story has done for them or how much they've enjoyed reading it.

Its not an understatement to assume, however, that if the fandom I wrote for was not the single most popular one on the site I'm a member of, my works wouldn't be so appreciated. Which is sad to say because among other things I've noticed with writing Sick Cycle Carousel if I wasn't writing for Naruto, I would be less popular and knowledgable for my works.

Sick Cycle Carousel, I'm ashamed to admit is meaningless smut with no real back story except to mindlessly, for better lack of the word, fuck behind their significant other's back. Excuse my "French". So its no wonder, with the way I feel for the story that I can't understand the appeal of it, to this day, except to say that Sex sells. However, as pitiful as that sounds, sex as I've come to find out is an amazing filler. In some stories it does have its importance, like with Threads Of Desire, but with later chapters in Marionette and in pretty much all of Sick Cycle Carousel, it just filled up time and space.

The only thing tht makes me feel better about using that option is that a reviewer left a comment about my more intimate scenes, stating that I'm on a border between being detailed without being too graphic, and as many reviewers have brought to my attention, I don't make them sick or overly disgusted, because I censor myself just enough when I write a M rated fanfiction.

Well, all I really wanted was to once again vent myself of how disappointed and diguisted I am with ever being the mother of such a smutty fic that continues to recieve such praise, nearly a year later after its conclusion. Well, here's to an almost year.
 
     

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OMG!   
11:42am 20/11/2008
 
mood: confused
The new chapter of Naruto is all messed up. I need more info! Gargh!
 
     

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Dating   
02:38am 31/10/2008
 
mood: complacent
So, today I offically had my tenth date. Date # 10. Wow. It's like a big del for me, I've never had ten dates. My longest relationship was three months... and it wasn't even really a relationship, but its locked in memory and heart. It wasn't bad for a tenth date, it was him and his roommates plus me for dinner at some place down in Cambridge, Italian theme. I hate resturants, I hate deciding on what I want to eat and I really don't want to dig into his pockets. I'm so use to be independant (relationship-wise) that I'd rather pay yself.

I'm restraining myself a lot more, intimately, which I'm sure isn't always a good thing, but I don't want it to be what our relationship is based on.

He met my mother and youngest sister today, they think he's cute and I made him out to be ugly... I don't know how that came about. I was just veting, cause I'm all into a certain look, not that he isn't cute, he is. I like him, but my fear is... as early as our relationship is (i tend to make fast judgements) is that I'll never love him, ten years down the road, I may still be with him because I like him, but it'll never be love for me.

I want to take things slow, but I also want a break, I think I need to go a week without seeing him, just so it can be excitement when I see him next. I'm hoping for this Sunday, My best friend and her boyfriend will double-date with us. She's the one I want him to meet the most, after all, I'm too meet his mother and brother Nov. 5th for his birthday. Which he'll let me take him to A&F for an outfit, lol. He's so cute.
 
     

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???   
01:28am 01/10/2008
 
mood: excited

I've tried looking it up, but I still just don't understand the appeal of the Mad Hatter. Is it just preference or is there more to it then that. I give up.

 
     

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Eep!   
03:09am 20/08/2008
  I'm really excited. Okay, judge me if you must, but I'm happy I kinda sorta did it. I signed up with True, only I didn't really because they say its free but they want my credit card info so that's a big no right now, even though I could since I have a job again, but I don't because I tend to attract men who are well into their 40's and 50's and I'm sorry, I just don't have a daddy complex.

Anyway, today a guy sent me an email there, a very clean, very proper email, because true doesn't censor their emails even though they have a segement called safer datng and I've got some very crude emails sent to me, WRONG! Anyhow, his name is Ryan and even though his email says that I winked at him. I didn't, he was very attractive to me. He's my age, but only a year older since his birthday is this coming november, he gave me his myspace link) We talked from 12 to 2am and by the end exchanged numbers. I'm very confident about this one without giving up my hopes. Its more like a: maybe this could work...?

We're even thinking about playing pool to hang out or even going to a club or lounge or bar, whichever is fine with me. He's a scorpio and I'm a gemini and it says we're not a good match: but I think if I don't force my insticts on him (you know, try to find out if we mean anything) it might work. Crossing my fingers and toes and t's of course. Must sleep, work tomorrow.
 
 
     

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Post Breakup Do's and Don'ts   
01:48am 14/07/2008
  I just kind of happened upon this and its everything I believe in. I testified to this before I even found it online and its only the truth, number one of the do's and the very last don't are the ones I abid by religously.


Whether the breakup was a complete shock or long in the making, chances are you are now left feeling less-than-great about it. And maybe you're harboring some pretty strange thoughts. Like, Should I cut my hair? Or, Should I give up all my worldly possessions and move to Tibet? All logical questions to entertain during this heart-wrenching phase. And yet, while certain impulses are healthy and productive to pursue, others should remain in the realm of "what if?" if you know what's good for you. In case you're not sure which group your own whims fall into, check this list below for things the lovelorn should -- and shouldn't -- do.

5 things you should do after a breakup...

Purge memories of your ex
Out of sight, out of mind isn't just a cute saying, it's a crucial part of getting over your past relationship. Throw out anything that could serve as an unpleasant reminder, including photos and gifts (if they're expensive, give them away or store them in a closet until you can handle it). Delete that person's emails and number from your cell to head off an embarrassing drink-and-dial episode. The fewer memory triggers that surround you, the faster you can move on.

Get a new goal
Newly single people often feel aimless and have hordes of time to fill... what better opportunity to take on a challenge? It can be physical (triathlon training), creative (art courses), or warm-and-fuzzy (volunteering at an animal shelter). Having a purpose outside of yourself can snap you out of your woe-is-me mind-set, and give you yet one more reason to jump out of bed in the morning. How's that for a speedy recovery?

Head out of town
A brief change of scenery could be just the thing to lift your spirits. Consider a journey to a place you've always wanted to see, whether it's a week of roughing it in the woods or a quick spa getaway on the beach. You'll be so stimulated by your new surroundings that stray memories from your relationship past are less likely to intrude.

Cultivate a new crush
Even if it's a meaningless, mini-infatuation with your Starbucks barista that goes absolutely nowhere, it can be just the thing to distract you during a rough time. Not in the mood for butterflies just yet? Get in touch with someone you may have neglected lately, like your sister, parents, or an old high-school friend for some quality bonding.

Celebrate your singledom
It can be easy to see a breakup as a downer, but let's be honest here: If it wasn't meant to be, you're much better off being free, don't you think? To emphasize that this is a good thing to have happened in your life, throw a cathartic "I'm Single!" party to kick off your newly-available status and move forward with an attitude of relief rather than sorrow.

...and 5 you shouldn't

Indulge in your vices too much
Don't get us wrong: A little ice cream and a few drinks are definitely in order, but not every night of the week. Think about it: If you completely give in to your video game habit or start smoking like a fiend, you'll just end up feeling worse. Focus on healthy distractions like exercise, socializing, and community involvement.

Drastically change your look
Sure, it's always tempting to follow to a major life change with a major style change. But do you really want to grieve for both your relationship and your old hairstyle? There's nothing wrong with a little makeover, but give yourself some time before you go through with anything drastic. Calls to a plastic surgeon or the tattoo artist should not be happening now.

Move to a new place -- permanently
While a brief change of scenery can be a good thing after a bust-up, a permanent move to a new city is probably going too far. After a breakup, you need your friends and the other steady parts of your life for comfort. If you jump ship completely, you might be left feeling very adrift.

Talking about your ex too much
Talking it out is one thing. Talking only about your ex for weeks on end is another. Obsessing about the past or indulging in spiteful thoughts will prevent you from moving on, and it will alienate your friends. To avoid going down this road, consider writing it down in a journal or meeting with a therapist. By confining your thoughts to the page or to a talk session or two per week, you'll be able to focus your other time on healthier plans.

Stay friends with the ex
Probably the biggest no-no of all. You're used to having each other for emotional support and companionship (not to mention sex), but if the breakup is for real, it is time to start moving on... sooner rather than later. Jerry Seinfeld famously joked that it takes more than one push to get a soda machine to tip over, but a clean break is a better break. Turn to other people in your life after a relationship ends -- not to the ex.
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
My New Job.   
01:01pm 03/07/2008
 
mood: excited

So last month, around the forth I lost my job, due to a lot of confusion and frustration that I would much rather not get into. So within a whole month, twenty-six days or so plus two days I've been jobless which has given me the time I needed to finish up Marionette now withstanding five hundred and fourty-two reviews. Albeit it much of the reviews urging a completion. Anyhow With a wonderful website at my disposal: Snagajob.com... from the time I lost my last job and such I've been filling out random applications or rather sending in the resume I made with the website and applying for whatever the job through at me via e-mails and a little searching myself.

I put in this one place which I thought had priorly (is that a word?) exsisted and bam, turns out its a brand new opening store... Its in this little plaza area fifteen miles away from my house, not bad walking distance, theres a side walk all the way up (If I need to walk, which probably won't be a lot of the time) So The guy: Ralph, even though he sounds like he is say Rob on the messages, tells me to come in and fill out an application. I do, that day. I need a job, seriously. I'm a spend-o-holic... not in a bad way, but I do like to buy for myself on occassion the pricy things. I'm built that way. I know how to save until I can spend without ever breaking the bank... well I did one year and I've learned my lessen, thank goodness for CDs huh?

Anyway, after the application is filled out he tells me he has to fax it to California... and make sure I filled everything because they won't bother reading it if I don't. He tells me that it should take up to a week to a week and a half to have my answer. This morning, since I couldn't sleep last night I get a phone call.

I filled out another application because I assumed weds was the deadline and they hadn't called me back. I said to myself last night, filling frustrated that I didn't want that job (I got a notice saying my application for Uno Grille went through and they might call) I'm retail by heart, my blood screams, fashion, dancing, writing and retail. I like to sell and be in a store not a resturant, holding up a tray and asking how everyone is and did I get their order right and getting bad tips.)

Phone rings, I miss call, they leave message. I call back.

"You're application was accepted, orientation is Tuesday @ 8 a.m, bring your i.d and social."

WHOO! I have a job. Literally, I was so happy. I can't stay home anymore, not in this heat (sometimes, most times) I emailed, my closet and newest friend telling them. Both are happy for me. I'm happy and kind of can't wait. Wonder what I should wear... hmm.

Its Harbor Freight Tools. Some kind of pants, I suppose. Hope its not too hot, whoo! I'm excited. I hope they give me full-time. I need to get out of this house. Seriously. So I hope I finish Threads, only 1,000 more words before I can post the next chapter, before Tuesday. let's see, five days should do it. If I don't wonder off. Curse you A.D.D!

 
     

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08:36am 03/07/2008
   

Somehow I think this would really happen. Look at his face, in fact look at her face. Its too funny!
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
Its The Bloom Of Youth!   
10:03am 15/06/2008
 
mood: lazy
Category: Naruto
Title: Marionette
Chapter: 20
Chapter Title: For The Heart I Once Had
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: Fiction Rated: M
Summary: Tears seeped through tightly closed eyes, lining thick eyelashes and
it all went unnoticed by the only man she could ever love, she really was a
slave to him in every way. Inspired by Nightwish [SasuSaku, NejiSaku] [AU]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3478125/20/

This took nine months... I counted. Wow. I can't believe it. See what nagging accomplishes... everyone nagged me so much that I said this should sate those monsters... that's not very nice. With a few exceptions, I love my readers and am glad for them. I know I keep them waiting and its mostly my brain's fault for being lazy and taking so long to come up with an outstanding opening line, at least in my head, But then I've had a few screws loose for a couple of years now. Turning 23 and all, lol. Well all that matters is that I accomplished my work and now... I have to start hatching brilliant ideas for Threads of Desire or as I've dubbed it... TOD, lol.

I really want to start a new series, maybe a few one-shots, but I have to finsh TOD first or I'll never finish it. I'm on chapter four, shame on me!
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
Because I don't feel like going through the hassle   
04:02am 13/06/2008
 
mood: accomplished
Phew... I only have to write three-thousand more words and I'll have come to the long awaited conclusion  of Marionette. I just needed to put that out somewhere other than fanfictiion, maybe because I like to torture my readers... well, they were relentless.. but hey, at least I'm two-thosand-five-hundred and fifty-five words from the final chapter of Marionette, thus for I can start working on Threads of desire... which makes me sad, because I'm still in the early stages of that story... WHAAA!!! Why do I torture myself?
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
I got an actual review, and not from Fanfic!   
03:59am 05/06/2008
 
mood: curious

Out of my own sudden curiosity about my name or penname as it were I decided to do some googleing. I put in my Marionette story first, but didn’t result much so I decided to put in my penname and low and behold I stumbled upon this site. I’ve never been reviewed like this before. I have to say I’m a little impressed, I don’t know what else to say except that it was a fair review without too much criticism or praise, it was interesting to say the least. And to tell the complete truth, I'm totally giddy about it, I can't stop laughing to myself, I feel like a film artist or I sold my first 1,000 copies of my first book. They even used Nami86's pic, I feel so honored somehow. Really, I just can't understand the obsession with this story, but here is the review:

fanfic...Sick Cycle Carousel by Kineticfairy Jan 10, '08 9:50 PM
for everyone
Category: Other

I got this story from www.fanfiction.net. I am a supporter of budding writers. Take note that the story is only a parody. I am really guessing that the writer somehow hates Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura (Naruto anime) that she made them that miserable. And yeah...the story is only made for mature readers...so read at your own risk because the characters are somewhat disturbing and addicted to masochism.

The story reminds me of an old movie that I watched at Studio 23...Unfaithful (starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane) and the Pinoy movie A Love Story. If you want to read a story that has no happy ending that only pertains to self-loathing, angst and death...then this one is for you.

As they used to say...the greatest love story is about a husband, wife and a woman.

In the story...Uchiha Sasuke was already married and fathered a kid. Everything in his life was so damn-miserable that everybody was so surprise that he got married. Haruno Sakura is the doctor of Sasuke's son. She was dating Sasuke's bestfriend, Naruto. Unknown to Sasuke's wife and Naruto...Sasuke and Sakura were engaging in a torrid, adulterous affair that already consumed their being. Sasuke was desperate to find solace and comfort from his tragic life in Sakura. Sakura somehow wanted to end the relationship because of the painful reality that Sasuke was already married but it was already too late because he is like a vice that she couldn't erase from her system.

During the flashbacks (the story has a lot of flashbacks that confused some of the readers), it was revealed that Sasuke accidentally impregnated some woman that he met at a bar because of some stupid jealousy. To explain it further...Sasuke left Konoha in order to hunt down his brother, leaving Sakura behind. When he returned, he thought that Sakura would still be waiting for him at the end of the road but Sakura already has Naruto.

Sasuke's one night stand made him a father. His love came a little too late for Sakura. But since he was one hell of a bastard, he was still pining for Sakura.

So the reason why he stayed with a woman he don't even dared to touch was because of the reason that he don't want his son to grow up without a father.

The two were planning to runoff in order to be together but Sasuke's wife knew about the affair and confronted Sakura. Sakura was consumed by guilt so she dismissed Sasuke but the fact still remains...that there was no other way for her but to be with Sasuke.

But fate mocked them, Sakura was killed during a mission and since life loves to fuck Sasuke, he found out from Naruto that Sakura was really pregnant. So...okay..nobody knows the real father of the child because Sakura was sleeping with them both. Sasuke also died at the end of the story but his death was a mystery...perhaps, he committed suicide. Naruto was left alone...he also knew Sakura's infidelity and at the end...a loser like him remained a loser.

The ending is really good. There are no happy endings in life...just pain. So probably they are better off dead.

Try to listen to emo stuffs in order to spice up your mood while reading the story. The story is eleven chapters long and what makes it great is that the titles of each chapter came from various song titles.

Enjoy and don't forget to bring a roll of tissue. You don't have to be an anime fan to appreciate this.

3 CommentsChronological   Reverse   Threaded
 replyjeaniecole wrote on Jan 16
.oooh looks tempting, tsktsk.

 replytrishemendiola wrote on Feb 21
hot! 

 replycamuchiha wrote on Feb 25
haha...that's why i am so obsessed with this story...i cried loads of times...

 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
Fantasy.   
01:32am 15/05/2008
 

I don't know what inspired me really, maybe I'm just a little bit bored with my life. I mean, everything is going great really. I took some awesome advice for living for the moment and taking at least one good thing out of the day and building my whole day around that one good thing and turns out, I'm actually happier than ever. I spent last weekend with my very first boyfriend (we've remained good friends since the break up, the only one I've remained friends with) and we had a blast, I mean it's been a while since I swam swam, by which I mean in a pool and not in the ocean, just standing and jumping when waves fly up.

No, we had a good time and laughs and it was, I mean I would never get back together with him, there was a reason it didn't work between us, but it felt good just to be with him again to be with a him. Anyway, I suppose it started last month, but I've been doing photo shoots I've done myself, picked out the attire, paid for the accessiores, assembled the makeup and cropped and edited the photo. I've had this realm made up since HS, but I finally got down some mythical characters (which aren't even in the world, which is a novel I wrote, but of course have yet to finish)

 



That's all I have so far, my next shoot is the Sun and the Moon and I hope to do the Lady of the Lake as well.
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
It's Never too Late...   
05:41pm 07/04/2008
 
mood: lonely
This how I felt when I decided that I was going to stop being friends with the people of my past. I decided that best friends are not one-sided, the way you feel about the person most important comes from the inside, the purest part of your heart I was reading one of my manga's and it touched me deeply to hear these words relayed:

They saved me from my pit of loneliness.. and they understand me... I couldn't live without them... I love them.

However to be told by the one you thought of as a true friend that the way you admire your own friends and hold them in such high respect is creepy... well I wasn't offended, I was sadden. So much I just started to cry and replied then that I wish her all the luck and happiness in the world and from then on I would leave her alone. Mind you I kept out 'from then on' she replied back, but I'm not in the mood to fight and from past experiences she always gets mad at me whatever my reply and I just... I'm done fighting.

My other friend... she doesn't feel the way I feel either, when I miss her, she misses everyone but me. A survey asked me if I were to have my autobiography published what would the title be: A Passing Shadow. I think its fitting for me. The way I feel. I feel like I effect nothing. Only in this digital world, when I'm writing my fanfictions and I receive the reviews from those who read my stories and praise me so highly do I feel this sense that I belong, otherwise I feel like a passing shadow. I touch nothing, I am remembered by no one. I have no one, no one other than my family, but even then it feels so empty.

I feel more alone than ever the further I go into this world. Even at work I feel a little more wanted, but that is only for nine hrs a day and that is never long enough and the guy I wish I could talk to or talk to me well there are so many reasons why it just will never be that way. Its painful and its lonely and I even wish I was brave enough to finish it and I know its not bravery, it's a true cowards escape, and I really do want to live, I have so much I want to do.

I just wish I could find that soul I could connect with, no a soul mate, but someone who thinks I'm as amazing as I think they are or are happy to have a friend like me, who would defend and love who they are within.

It's not like I haven't heard 'someday' but it always feels like my someday has come and gone and my eyes weren't wide enough to know I missed it.

I started talking to one of the new stock boys because the others got fired under the stupidest circumstances, his name is Matt and I was brave enough to say to myself that I was going to talk to him and we've pretty much talked since then and I'm proud of myself, because for me, it's something I would never do. Too shy, too quiet, too awkward, too emotional... but it just doesn't feel like well be best friends or even that we might keep talking forever.

I had that once, and he ended up ignoring me and calling me a stalker... wish I wasn't at all, who exchanges birthday gifts and has birthday dinners and movies for three yrs with a stalker, who talks almost every single day on the phone with stalkers, who writes in the birthday card that someday we might be boyfriend and girlfriend?

Sigh... this world is cold steel.

 
     

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Fe-fi-fo-fum... I hope I'm in for a night of fun...   
10:58pm 06/03/2008
  A second date, I've never had a second date before, so kinda anxious and excited. We've been talking on the phone, just got off the phone a couple of hours ago. I'm so nervous... have I mentioned how wonderful STORM HAWKS is? It's awesome. I love Stork, he's wonderful, full of gloom and all.   
     

3 Line the Pieces up Photobucket> A Scattered Dream

 
02/18/08   
11:49pm 18/02/2008
 
mood: ecstatic
Past winter, past Valentine's day. 

I had a date! 

Well... a meeting of sorts. My friend Aubrey intoduced me to a guy named Nick and we talked a little on myspace and then we met today in person. It took them awhile to get down to pick me up, but that was fine with me, he got out of the car and first thing I thought, aside from the first time I saw his pic was... oh, my he is so cute. We said hi, he drives a two-door white car, so he had to get out anyway, lol. I couldn't get over how cute he was the entire day. He was really funny and polite and he offered so much stuff, to pay for my food (I had money, so I didn't accept, I'm funny like that, I prefer to double-dutch) offered me half his godiva chocolate, because I didn't want the whole thing, lol, and his sweatshirt if I was cold, again... I didn't accept. I don't know why, felt like it I guess, it wasn't cause I didn't want to, but I liked him alot and hopefully we can hang out again. Aubrey told me he was practicing how he was going to say hi to me, lol, nerves. I was so excited to meet him. Then he said to her boyfriend who was his friend too that he asked what he had to do, in meaning something pretaining to me, which means his making an effort.

I would like to go out with him. But I'll drive with the breaks on and let it course its path however it goes. He's sooooo cute!
 
     

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Remember...   
10:10pm 18/01/2008
  Remember when they use to do surveys on this thing like mad crazy? I remember. I use to do it like in everyone of my posts, like in 2005... Aw man... my ex, is a father now, his daughter and the mother of his daughter are up in Montana, so he wasn't there for the birth. Man, that's a big moment. I wish I was a parent, honest, I want boys, two!

My god, the power I would have, lol, that's the point right? No I'm kidding, I would love my children... wow, my mind is filled with how that would go, the joys the frustration and it would all be worth it, if I did it right.

AH! My ex is a father, I'm so glad that we're still in each other's life... (my ex from Highschool, just so anyone who has been following my posts doesn't get confused) He's going to miss so many big moments, but he doesn't mind too much... weird, I'd be pissed, if I missed my first borns precious moments, first step, first word... firsts of every first. Sad!

Anyway I'm all hyped about him having a kid, is that weird?
 
     

A Scattered Dream

 
Alone without ones self   
11:48pm 28/12/2007
 
mood: nervous
Today, was pretty good actually, though I'm still reeling from Wednesday, which was so exciting in its own unique way. Someone had locked the Handicap stall changing room and closed the door which is only a problem because it goes down to the floor so there's no way for me to just go underneath and unlock it from the inside. So I told my old Manager and she suggested of course, after playing around, that we break in.

Huh… whatever, lol.

So after I helped a customer out (meaning I missed the main fun of watching two Managers, Christine and Diane, break into a changing room) I ran back to check what was going on, no success, but I did get to see Christine try and jimmy up the stall with a paperclip.

Diane paged Andrew (our security guy, who can't be too much older than me if not my age) and he came, she had to flag him down to, it was funny, because the only other time I've really had contact with Andrew directly is through Diane and that was to say I can't refuse getting in the car and waiting for my ride to arrive way after closing hours.

So Andrew tried breaking opening the door with the paper clip and then with one of his keys, the only thing that worked, even though it didn't fit right. Like Linda say: Andrew to the rescue. Eh, exciting in its own way. I enjoyed it, got a few laughs from me.

Today, was nice and slow paced, regular flow since we're winding down from big Christmas Sales, I took my break a little after my schedule time, but no one really cares, just as long as it doesn't inconvenience, I collected my check and was on my way, not planning to eat.

It was my dad's birthday today and I was going to buy him a gift and what happened, the guy who hit on me at work when I was a Newbie saw me and called out to me. I don't think he knows my name either, because I still don't know his. He put his friend on hold and started talking to me. Telling me how he was in a relationship and everything and how it was bad timing, because I "still look good enough to eat" Oh, wow, that made me laugh.

He walked me down to the Bank and waited for me and we chatted, it was actually nice to go on break with someone to talk too, I really don't get those kind of niceties. I get phone calls and while I'm happy about that, its nothing compared to physically being with another human.

In fact, even though he was suppose to be gone way earlier, he spent almost my whole break with me. We walked around and talked and went to check if he had locked his car, Most of the time he's brushing his hands against my body, I'm not in a relationship, so I really don't mind so much, call me what you will, but human contact, slight caresses and such actually make me feel like I'm wanted, even if I'm being perceived as an object, talk about major low self-esteem and constant rejection to make me feel like I'm not invisible.

But why I actually minded that he kept touching me, was because he was with a girl, I mean, in a relationship and that's wrong of him. Outside he kept trying to get in close and I pulled away and told him because he had someone, he wanted a hug, he asked me if it REALLY bothered me because he had someone and I said yes, I was raised better.

I don't steal other girl's guys, I don't cheat and I don't fight. You want him, you can have him~ that's my self-proclaimed rule. But I did hug him, in a friends way, really brief and asked him not to touch me anywhere improper. We went back inside, walked around talking a little more as if he was a normal guy friend (I don't have many of those since I left High school) and then I told him that if he was leaving I would just finish up my break and then not eat, I'm trying to break my spending habits.

He insisted on me eating, went to the bank and broke a Twenty into five so I could have lunch, now I owe him and the chances of him collecting… well see, but I feel guilty and wish he hadn't insisted so much, I can only really say no so many times.

I did eat, just like I promised and now I have to set aside five dollars, just in case, I'll take it back after a year, lol. I can't believe he was still interested, weird. What does my size have to do with anything, I can't help it if I can't gain weight, its not like I don't eat, I mean I eat like I don't see food for months. Men have weird fixations. That and no one really sees the loser I am, I can't even maintain a relationship, people say that other people can't handle me or see the good that's in me, but if I can't see all my good qualities in myself how are other people suppose to see it.

Anyway, it took my mind off my worries for that hour I would have spent alone, I've been really down lately.

I have plans tomorrow, though I'm not sure how solid they are.
 
     

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